Latest Read...

The Migraine Brain by Carolyn Bernstein
I was so relieved when I started to read this book. As of this week I have been having on and off a migraine for over two months, and previously had several cycles like this within the last two years. One of the first things I read in this book was, "Only 25 percent of people with migraine get the correct diagnosis. The rest are misdiagnosed with ailments such as sinus trouble (check), dental problems (check), psychiatric illness (check), or other kinds of headaches besides migraine (check), or they never see a doctor at all about these symptoms." The parenthesis are mine of course. It was such a relief to have someone finally understand. Before having kids I had started to show signs of migraine but hadn't yet really had it be such a huge problem. After each kid it got progressively worse, until finally after our move I have been experiencing at 4-6 migraines a month, each unique and each terribly painful and each terribly inconvenient to living, especially living overseas away from friends and family who know me, and know I wouldn't make this up. How can you explain to someone that this isn't just a headache I have each month, this is terribly excruciating pain that is dabilitating and continuous to some degree for me. Some people have experienced a migraine usually unilateral in pain, and so they have the ability to understand to some degree, but others have only had a general headache and can't possibly understand the difference. The next quote that really helped me was this one; "Migraine is such a complicated illness that it's not easy to get a handle on it. One person may get visual or other aura, sensory disturbances, such as a change in vision or hearing, another does not; one has a migraine every two months, another gets them daily. Some people get pain on both sides of their heads, which can confuse medical personnel who believe that the head pain is always one-sided. One patient may find her headaches are triggered by stress, which stumps her doctor, whose prior migraine patient got attacks only during her monthly period." First off, its an illness, a disease, second it is unique to each person. I felt like when I would talk to someone about my headaches and explain the kind of headache I was having that because it didn't fit within the most common box that I would be dismissed as over exaggerating a normal headache. This is NOT a normal headache. I have been so frustrated by the lack of information, the lack of belief that there is anything I can do to change my situation, and so tired of fighting some mysterious pain that I just wanted to give up. I had begun to feel like I failed as a mother, as a wife, as a servant of God. I am useless and I am broken. I have felt like running away from my life, wishing God would just take me so that my family could have someone who could meet their needs without being crabby and irritable. I know these are lies from the pit of hell, and yet they are my reality for the last year. I constantly felt guilty, like a failure or somehow I was just making it all up, like it was a psychosomatic symptom of my discontent with this life we live. That's also NOT true. I am deeply honored to live the life we live, I get tired and discouraged true, but I do not truly hate living here. I am functioning on a constant pain level that wears me down, even beyond the normal challenges of living away from family, friends, and country.
The most liberating quote is the following one: "For many migraineurs, it is liberating to learn that what they are experiencing is a neurological illness with a specific name, a biochemical basis, and roots that trace back thousands of years to the beginning of medical history. When they learn their illness is something they were born with and that is shared by so many others, they no longer blame themselves, try to hide how bad they feel, or worry about dying." Do I want sympathy, yes. Do I want someone to think my life is harder than theirs, no. Do I want someone to understand how I feel, the way I struggle to overcome, the way I blame myself and start to convince myself its all my fault, yes. Do I want to find someway to get back to the person I used to be, yes. We're just starting this journey of finding someway to manage this "illness". But at least we know we are dealing with a disease and its not just a 'headache'. It's a neurological disorder that causes me to lose part of my vision in my eyes, to have numbness in my mouth and hands, to trip and stumble, to slur my words and have a hard time tracking my own thoughts and conversations with others. It's something that is real and isn't just PMS or the fact that I am 'stressed out'. I'm not stressed out by the way, God is my Rock, and I am able to live freely with Him. As I write, I realize just how defensive I have become about this, I think its more of a freeing of my soul, I feel vindicated I guess against this invisible enemy who has been weighing me down for so long. I don't have to minimize how hard it is, I don't have to hide what I am really struggling with, and I don't have to make excuses for my life. This is part of who I am, part of what God's plan is for me, and I'm looking forward to claiming it as part of my life and finding out a way to manage it, and when there are relapses, I will know it isn't my fault that I have tools that will help me overcome the pain cycle and move on. :) Succinctly put, I have hope again. :) Praise God!