'Falling' in love with Alaska!

It's fall in Alaska, and after having survived our first summer and the ridiculous amount of Mosquitoes... I have to say I am seriously loving living here.

I remember our kitchen in Suly, I remember walking around in there in the morning or evening, when the sunlight is soft and the weather more comfortable, I remember trailing my hands on the tiles on the wall thinking, I love this room. Maybe it was the novelty of having picked it all out myself, or just the feeling of comfort that came with that kitchen, but either way I would just walk around in there taking deep breaths of contentment. There were some days that I would really struggle with living there, I mean REALLY struggle, as in thinking 'How can I buy a ticket on the next flight out of here!', but I would walk into that kitchen (most of those times) and be able to take a deep breath and pray through my discontentment. I miss that room most of all, well the roof might be a close second. It's funny because I can remember everything about that kitchen, where my tea glasses were, how the counter top was arranged, the feel of it beneath my hands, the smells, the sound of the water filter/cooler, the feel of the tile beneath my feet, even the spots that had grout stuck on them from when they put the tile in the house, how the exhaust fan over the sink wasn't really finished off since we had a sponge shoved into the openings surrounding it! I remember it so clearly, I loved that room. It was full of light and warmth, or coolness in the hot of day, the stove was always an adventure. I can't tell you how many times I would try to light the oven, only to end in tears and cursing the dumb thing! I mean who designs an oven to not light on its own, and then complicates it by hiding the dumb heating element!! Funny, but I even loved that stove.

I'm saying all this cause its amazing to me that I am loving living in Alaska. It's obvious as I write about our home in Suly that I miss it there very much. That my heart is still very much living there as well, yet I can honestly say I love living in Alaska. Now obviously anyone that knows me, has figured out by now I can be a bit polar. As in, I can love and hate at the same moment, and its true. God has given me a personality that feels very deeply and strongly. Wes and I were talking the other day about this very trait, mainly I was complaining that I am a hard person for other people to love, and well because he's amazing he was trying to convince me that I am easy to love and that its a gift I give to others the way that I feel so deeply. I'm still not convinced, but I am taking his words to heart that God has intended me to be this way, and so on this brisk fall morning I am breathing deeply the fall air, that cold feeling seeping through my fleece and slippers and I am loving falling in love with living in Alaska, even as I miss living in Suly. :) Ha! :) 

Struggles with Struggling

Been thinking a lot lately about Winter. What is its' purpose, why the cold, how's it work, and what is God teaching me through this continual thought pattern. We've all heard the sayings, "winter of the soul", or "dead as winter". I keep wondering how it is we believe winter to be dead or at least a time of no productivity. A drying up of ones soul is what I've really been thinking. I suppose many would say that we have been in a season of winter for a while now, but as I began praying about this concept God began to show me more and more how He had been unfolding Spring all along.
I guess I should say that winter is one of my favorite times of the year, at least when there's snow on the ground and I am out playing in it. I remember living in Logan and going crazy because of the inversions, or in Suly and not having power while huddling around our stinky propane heater, yet some of my favorite memories are of winter. Skiing with some really fantastic friends, laying in the snow making snow angels in our backyard in Billings, sledding as kids, a nippy nose but toasty toes, the warmth of a home after the frigid wind outside, falling asleep next to a wood stove, cuddling on cold winter nights, and of course the 'ice cube bum affect"! :)
Still I have memories of cabin fever, thinking I am going to kill these kids before its Spring, wondering if it was ever going to be green again, wanting to feel the warm rays of sunshine on my face, needing to go swimming, and just the freshness of new life around us when Spring arrives.
Now living in Ak for all of a week and a couple days, I am wondering why this winter wonderland? Why now? Wes and I still grieve our friends, family really, in Kurdistan. We grieve known service for Christ, we grieve an obvious purpose to our lives, a challenge, a certainty that we were DOING something for the Kingdom. With all this grief in our souls, why then Alaska? Why not have us go back, or at the very least something that gives us a feeling of helping those that are still serving over there?
Answers sometimes I've found, are not for us to know, in fact it is our blessing that we don't know, for through our struggle to have faith, without answers, we prove ourselves to be steadfast in the Lord. Steadfast, rooted, staked if you will. There's many times over this journey that I have wondered if I had the kind of faith needed for this or if I would in the end walk away, proving what I've believed all along, I don't really belong 'here'. 'Here' being the saving grace of God, the circle of the redeemed, the waterfall of Jesus' love and mercy. Yet here I am, still, even after all that has happened this last 2 years.
Winter is the perfect metaphor really, and I can't believe I hadn't noticed before, but our life, my life, these last months/year has been a winter. Outwardly I struggled to produce, I struggled to believe, I struggled to do anything but be still. Yet the whole time, underneath my doubts, my fears, my self-absorption there was new life being reborn. God is showing me more and more as I pray through this metaphor, that I am or rather have been receiving all that I needed to get through this, not only through it but with life on the other side. A testimony of God's love and redemption in my life, a testimony of a Winter of the soul turned to the new life of Spring.
I am so thankful Jesus sat with me on the rooftop of our home in Suly, comforting me, preparing me for what was coming. Between that time with Christ and Psalm 73 I have indeed been brewing under the surface, and now the blossoms of a regenerated heart are becoming more and more visible as Winter gives way to Spring.
Do I grieve still? Yes. Do I struggle with the migraines? Obviously. Do I wonder what God is doing? Of course as you can see at the beginning of this post, I am struggling with the struggles. Surrender is never easy, softening the heart so that new growth can happen is almost always toiling in its effort, yet I can't help but see more and more the efforts are like a garden well tended in the fall, it may lay dormant in winter, but come spring it explodes into a vision of color, texture and praise. I suppose its in that very moment that we realize Winter has its purpose after all.

Moving in Musings

Signs of being more settled:
We've officially misplaced two pairs of gloves! ( I think this is a good body count actually;)
We bought shampoo today
The milk we bought at Walmart is seriously odd looking, the container that is, oh and the power went out, I was so used to it I just kept shopping until the clerk said we had to go to the front to wait... my thought was what for? Duh, shoplifting, right.
We navigated thru the whole city looking at the GPS only once.
Found and attended a new church, with only one u-turn ( the point where we were using the GPS)
Membership at Blockbuster, figured it was a good option for us for entertainment!
Popcorn for dinner :)
-14 feels warm, or atleast comfortably cold.
Ice sculptures are no longer a novelty.
Candy cane color schemes are no longer a novelty.
Santa claus is no longer a novelty.
Freezing cold weather is no longer a novelty. (sensing a theme here??)

Side notes, missing Suly today, not sure when that will go away. Cedar is registered for Kindegarten on Monday. Mixed feelings but after prayer and MUCH discussion feel this is the right choice for him this year, well what's left of the year anyways.

Negative weather

Truly negative weather, not like its bad, just negative degrees! I haven't ever seen a thermometer read the temps I have seen in the last week, ranges from -40+ to -20. It's interesting to think it is so cold, and that birds still fly in this freezing cold weather, but they do. Not sure how they are surviving. Especially since if we are out there longer than 10 minutes it feels as if our noses are freezing off. Whole new meaning to watching out for frostbite, and beware of freezing pipes etc.
Its funny to think a year ago we were in Sulaimaniah, Kurdistan, Iraq. And now we are in Fairbanks, Alaska. Yet it represents so much about our lives really. I guess we've committed to being pretty radical, to both ends of the thermometer! :) In truth I am quite at peace with our move here, a refreshing feeling to be sure, and I am looking forward to setting up a home again, and really settling in to yet another new way of life. God has been so faithful through this crazy journey, and though I still get homesick for Kurdistan, and I often have dreams of them all, I realize this is where God desires us to be. It's hard to be radical for Jesus, to be willing to give up all and follow Him, to sacrifice your children in the face of the Gospel, to literally lay it ALL down on the altar of God. I'm not even sure I can say there will be rewards here on earth, but the verse about storing up treasures in Heaven has a whole new meaning. :)
The kids are transitioning slowly, its apparent more 'debriefing' is in order. And we are seeing Cedar express anger towards God for the first time. It saddens us that this is a consequence of our intinerate lifestyle and we continue to pray for wisdom and guidance on how to best bring Cedar back into adoration of His Heavenly Father. To help his little heart understand that he is deeply loved even though he has had to give up so much in his little life. Will he ever understand? I hope so.
Oasis on the other hand has reacted by becoming more emotional. Is that possible for a little girl? She's so sweet natured really, even through her little sassy attitudes, yet at times its becoming hard to see the sweetness through the michieviousness. I keep praying for her heart to remain softened towards Jesus.
Overall our assessment is, no casualties, a few minor injuries and a major case of resentment in one little heart. Still God is great, and He will help us heal. :) He's their Father as much as He is mine and Wes' and so we need only trust in Him and listen to His leading. Thanks be to God. :) After all the birds fly in the desert, as well as in the artic, and I guess that sums it up the best.

And so the answer came...

The date of my last entry is November fourth, and the date of today's entry is December 21st. I can't do the math but I'm sure you can, its taken that long plus months before that entry for God to show us His plan for us.
We're moving to Alaska.
When I started this blog it was mainly because we were looking at going overseas to be full-time 'workers' for the kingdom. I have to laugh now at the irony of it all, cause while we have spent the last year and a half (minus the last 7 months stateside) in Iraq, we now find ourselves moving to Alaska!
This has been such a hard decision. In fact it has been very similar to our journey to follow Christ to the Middle East. We've prayed and prayed and agonized and worried and just generally found ourselves wondering more and more what God was doing in all this. In the end it came down to a moment of prayer with Wes and I, and finally receiving that confirmation and peace. We desire to greatly to follow where God leads, but it is not always the convenient or conventional way to go. While making the decision we realized that if we wait a month or two or three more, we would probably have a job in the lower 48, and it would more than likely be a better financial situation. How can I explain to you that sometimes it isn't always what we would "think" is wise. That sometimes it seems so foolish to go where God leads. I think of Paul and the many times God directed him into what seems to a us a veritable hornets nest, and there were so many around Paul telling him not to go there, yet go he would, sometimes it resulted in imprisonment, sometimes a whole town calling upon the true Savior of the world, and sometimes it resulted in nothing. Yet Paul kept going where God led him.
I hope this time it isn't a case of imprisonment, or nothing, but rather I believe God to have led us to a place where we will have real unity in our marriage, where both of us will find fulfillment in the 'work' there for us, and that we will see our children grow to become closer and closer to Christ, eventually finding Him to be their family, best friend, and home.
My heart is saddened in this journey, just as it was when we left to go to Suly, and when we left Suly as well. I grieve the lack of finances that would allow us to travel there this next year as we had hoped, and I grieve the feeling of being pulled further away from my close friends. Actually as I'm writing this it seems like I don't have anything good to say, but there's so much 'good' in following Christ that sometimes its hard to express it all in a way that makes sense.
Many years ago God gave us a vision of going on the field with some really good friends, we thought of ourselves as adopted aunt and uncle to their children, through a series of life events we found ourselves grieving the loss of so many dreams one of which was the dream of serving overseas with them. These close friends live in the same town in Alaska we are moving to, and both Wes and I are so very blessed to call them our friends and they have invited us to be adopted by their family once again. It's amazing how we think just because it doesn't fit into our timeline that something is over or maybe we miss heard God, yet God knows all, sees all and always is faithful. How amazing that will be living in community with these good friends after all this time, and in a place that most people never even visit even though its technically a state. Although as my dad said, we might as well be moving to another country for the distance it puts between us, but hey I say at least they speak in English and more than likely we won't be met by armed guards when getting off the plane ;). What we see driving around town might be a different story! :) lol!
I'm most excited for Wes and the job that he will be doing there. It seems to be such a great fit for his engineer side but also the dreamer side. They are company committed to the Lord which in and of itself is such a deep blessing, as well as the nations. God truly provides.
Cedar is most excited at the idea of a plane that lands and takes off on water. :) And Oasis is happy that there are girls for her friends when she gets there. I hope the girls are ready for her!! :)
So all in all, we are so very relieved and humbled by God's grace and sufficiency. That yet again we find ourselves to deeply loved, and He has blessed us with such abundance in this life. What an adventure eh?

who knows?

So on Sunday (yesterday) we were asked the usual questions, so how long you gonna be here, what's your plan next, what are you gonna do for a job now.. and on and on it goes. So in my usual diplomatic self (tongue in cheek) I replied with, "where we gonna live... I don't know, where we gonna go next... I don't know, what we gonna do for a job.... I don't know". And giggle so they don't get offended. :)
Seriously though, sometimes its really hard to live for Christ. There have been so many times in the last few years of our marriage that I have felt like looking at Wes and saying, "screw it, lets just live our lives for us." Meaning lets do what WE want, where WE want, how WE want. Ummm right, not so much. I'm thinking about a sermon we heard this summer while visiting friends back in NY. It had been so long since we had really had an opportunity to have 'good' worship, to sit in a body of believers and feel the Spirit moving among them, and to hear a message that actually hit where we were at. I just sat there and soaked it in, and cried, and thanked God for seeing me in the mass of people surrounding my life. He spoke so clearly to me that day, to remember what would life be without Christ in the picture, not even in the picture but the focal point. The analogy God gave this pastor was that of Jenga blocks, we've all played the game, laughed hysterically, and maybe thought of ourselves as superior Jenga players (oops too much info) anyways he used the analogy to point out that without Christ, that one piece in the Jenga tower that everyone wants to pull out but everyone knows its the integral foundation, then our faith would be nothing. Just a pile of blocks which fell together randomly on someones' kitchen table. We've chosen to live a radical life for Christ, and we are not alone, but sometimes it starts to feel that way. One person joked on Sunday about maybe we were meant to be gypsies... hmmm interesting thought. What's your first opinion of gypsies when you think of them? Yeah me too. Generally not to fond of a thought really. I guess I feel that way sometimes, like we infringe upon the excess of peoples lives, like we're camped out in a clearing and being tolerated not necessarily disliked but for the most part an annoyance. Then God shows us He sees us, and provides for us in such an extravagant way that I am humbled again to stop my grumbling and complaining to remember gypsy or no I am WHAT God desires me to be, I am WHERE God desires me to be, and we ARE doing what God desires us to do. Does it make sense? Nope. Do we still work hard at seeking what is next? Yes. Have we heard any clear answers, or recieved any direction? No. I guess that means we're walking by faith and not by sight. I confess a desire to walk by sight sometimes, but I am beginning to realize more and more there are deep internal blessings in living by faith. They can't be measured by our cultures standards of success or hard work, but I can say it has been extremely hard work to live this life God has asked of us, and well I guess I just don't see how it could be any other way without the Jenga tower crashing down on us.
I don't have any answers, and I don't have any assurances, all I have is faith.

Gluten free = a happier me :)

I have been gluten free for 4 weeks now, and what a difference it has made. I am not quite pain free, but I have only had 4 or 5 migraines in the time since changing my diet. So thankful to God for directing us along this path! It's been a interesting journey to get to this point and not all, well really not much of it was pretty. I have caught myself shocked at playing with my kids on the floor or playground, because it felt like such a foreign feeling. Or when I have laughed and realized I wasn't holding my head, or that I had really laughed from my heart. So many moments when I would have loved to do that over the course of this last year, but I just physically wasn't able, and here I am doing all those things and feeling myself come back to myself. Such a blessing! Who knew how hard it would be, but I am so thankful for the grace and mercy Christ has extended to me and on my family through out this crazy time. I just keep praying that this healing is the real thing and that I may one day realize I am not holding my breath anymore.
Things I have been looking forward to doing again:
Running
Skiing
Sit-ups
Soccer
wrestling with the kids
playing on more playgrounds
horesback riding
staying up late playing games
laughing with friends around a table (without pain)
feeling my heart become more and more softened
giving praise from a thankful heart, instead of just an obedient one
treating my hubby as wonderfully as he has treated me this last year
laughing at my kids crazy antics and loud voices

So many wonderful things in store for us as my body heals more and more. I am so thankful.